Sorry I haven’t posted in a week. I had all of these posts planned and I just never got around to them. One of the reasons for that though is that 3 of the dresses I ordered from Modcloth were either too short or looked awkward on me so I’m returning them so I just put off the clothing post. The truth of the matter though is that I’ve just been getting increasingly depressed lately. I’m not sure what is causing it. I think that maybe the surgery and all the stressed triggered it, but it’s just been getting really bad lately.
I don’t know why, but I always seem to get depressed in the winter but usually it doesn’t get this bad until late winter like right before spring. Like the first time I ended up in the psych hospital was in January about 3 years ago. It just seems like a lot of things go wrong with me in the winter time. This year around February or March I had an insurance issue and couldn’t get my anti-depressants so I just went off of them completely. I have never been so depressed in my life as when I went through withdrawal from those pills. I felt completely hopeless and like there was no point in living at all but it passed.
Once it did I felt like I could handle depression on my own and for awhile I did fairly well. Around August I had to do hormone therapy and that’s kind of when things started going downhill. I started having mood swings again and becoming overly sensitive to pretty much everything. I went off the hormones and switched to a different birth control and things got better for a little while, but then they started getting bad again.
So now I’m just in a horrible funk. I feel like there is nothing going for me in life and I know I can change that, but I don’t know how. I’m just afraid of having to go back on anti-depressants. I had no emotions at all when I took them and I gained a lot of weight that I’m still trying to lose. I did lose about 40 pounds when I quit them which I guess was a nice side effect. I just don’t want to lose myself again. Plus I have had so many different pills thrown at me over the years and some of them really weren’t even for what I was having problems with. I have been put on Abilify, Depakote, Lithium, Geodon, and Seroquel. I am not psychotic at all. Half of the doctors I go to don’t even know what is wrong with me. I have actually been asked several times by doctors what I was there for. I was kind of blown away because I figured they were supposed to know what my diagnosis was.
So at this point I have a new psychiatrist and she isn’t even a doctor, she is a registered nurse practitioner or something. I had high hopes going in to see her on Friday because the person I had before was so horrible. She was just as bad as not worse. I told her that I had been diagnosed with ADD in both high school and college and that I thought I was having problems with it again and she just told me ‘well you are going to have to be diagnosed with that.’ The thing is it is in my file that I’ve been diagnosed with it. That made me wonder, had she even read my file? I feel like no she probably didn’t I was planning on telling her that I had stopped my medications, but I just didn’t feel right telling her because she just didn’t seem like the right person to talk to.
She suggested therapy and I agreed with her and I told her that I preferred a male therapist, because I have always done better with them. They just push me more and don’t try and be my friend so much. However the male therapists where I go do not accept my insurance so I can either try one of the females or look around elsewhere for a male therapist. I just don’t know what to do at this point I am so overwhelmed and don’t know where to turn. My family can’t take listening to me anymore and I don’t really have friends to talk to about these things, and the ones I do have I don’t want to just dump all my problems on.
My goals really are to learn how not to dump my problems on people and to have healthy relationships. Also to learn how to handle this depression on my own.
Does anyone have some advice they could share with me on this? I would really appreciate it…and just so you know I have been trying to be positive. I’ve been trying really hard I just keep breaking down. So any help would be appreciated.
Of Rust and Stardust 