A history of depression part 1

Hey I just thought I should update this since I haven’t in awhile. I’ve got this huge writers block called depression. I thought I got better and that it was gone, but I guess I was wrong.

I think I’ve made some reference to my mental health on here, if I haven’t…well now you know. I’m not sure what’s wrong with me. The first diagnosis I got was depression in 10th grade and ADD for good measure. This was because any time I went to the pediatrician I was listless and didn’t talk much or something. I was depressed though but the Zoloft and Adderal didn’t really help, maybe they did a little because I did start making more friends. I still felt depressed though. Looking back I was like the cliche depressed teenager in some after school TV movie. I actually remember sitting in the empty bath tub fully clothed and just crying for no reason. I seemed to get a little bit better I even had periods where I was really happy.

Those really happy periods ended up getting me diagnosed as bipolar sometime during the summer when I was 20, I think. I remember the doctor telling me that based on my symptoms blah blah blah. I just sat there stoic and stone faced, nodding along and saying I see. When I got to the car I started bawling. How could I be bipolar? Did this mean I was a crazy person?

The treatment I got was a joke they just kept trying different antidepressants and mood stabilizers. I was put on Prozac, Lithium, Zoloft(again), Paxil, Depakote, and Seroquel. I was also on ADD medications, anxiety medications, and sleeping pills. I wasn’t on all these pills at the same time and that isn’t even the full list. Sometimes I would take the pills and sometimes I would lie and say they didn’t work. I think that is how I got to the point where I was taking Seroquel.

Those years at school are hazy to me. I would get up, shower, go to class, come home do my work and lay in bed staring at the tv. I was pretty much a zombie. I mean I was functioning on some basic level, but I was on so much lithium I was just oblivious. So early in 2010 my sister and I flushed all my pills down the toilet.

The spring and summer of 2010 were great for me, I was still taking anxiety medicine, but other than that I was off all the pills and spent that summer living. I had my first back surgery that year, but that didn’t keep me from going to see the Flaming Lips and taking the greyhound to visit friends. Then for some reason in the fall of 2010 I was put on Seroquel and I actually took it. By February 2011 I was in a psychiatric hospital for the first time. See when I was on the Seroquel I got to the point where I wasn’t sure if I was real, and that is a scary feeling. I started cutting myself to see if I could feel anything and to see if I would bleed. Thankfully part of me realized this was not normal and I committed myself.

I have a lot more to share about this. I’ll be bringing this story up to date in my next post.

How do you deal with getting older?

so yesterday was my birthday, I turned…26! Oh my god that’s four years away from thirty which yes is a long time, but the last four years have gone by pretty fast for me. I’m just kind of freaked out because I’m still living at home and haven’t finished my degree yet. I know what I want to do with my life. I’m finishing with a liberal arts degree and then going to a fashion and design school, hopefully, online to become a buyer for clothing stores. I also want to to write, but I know that writing isn’t exactly something that I can be sure of as far as financial support goes. It’s more a passion than anything else, but the problem is I haven’t finished any stories or poems in a long time. It would be wonderful if I could become a publish author or become a freelance writer for magazines or something, but I can’t know that any of these things will actually happen.

I just feel as though I have wasted the last four years of my life because of drug addiction, rehab, relapses, and go back to rehab. That and a couple of stays in a psychiatric hospital the last of which lead to spending about four months in a long term care facility. I’ve also had three back surgeries, this last one was pretty serious, over those last four years. I know that those surgeries were something that I couldn’t control, but it still took time out of my life and lead to some of my drug problems. My physical therapist said that although my spinal fusion should be completely healed in three more months it may take me up to a year of PT and just working out to get my body  close to where it should be, I mean I’ll never be 100%, but in a year if I do exercise and do the physical therapy I may not need pain medicine anymore.

That is something that really scares me. What if I do need to stay on pain medicine, even if it’s a low dose, for the rest of my life. I don’t want that for myself. Right now I’m on really strong pain killers and I’m still in pain 80% of the day. I just wonder if it will be better in a year. I know I won’t be in pain that much in a year, but what if I’m still in pain? I don’t like the fuzziness that comes with pain killers and how tired they make me. I’m just afraid I won’t be able to write very well while taking them.

I guess I’m just afraid that the next four years will go by and I still won’t have anything accomplished. I am moving out though this summer if everything goes well. I’ll be living two hours away from my family and friends, but I will have a roommate. I’ll be going back to school too, just at a different college. I’m hoping that I’ll be able to meet new people and make new friends and maybe get the kind of support system I need in my life that I feel I am lacking right now.

In other positive news I have started trying new things. In my last post I wrote about how I want to try things that are new and do things that make me uncomfortable. It is a small start, but I tried sushi for the first time! You have to understand that I thought I hated fish. I tried fried fish when I was younger and I just did not like it, so my entire life I’ve just never eaten anything with fish in it, although I do like shellfish, about the only thing I would eat were salmon patties but they had bread crumbs in them and I covered them in ketchup. So a friend of mine took me out for an early birthday lunch to a place that had a sushi buffet. I tried just about everything they had and I used chopsticks! I was really surprised I just ate the raw salmon off the top of one piece and it didn’t taste fishy at all really it was delicious, I even tried the eel sushi, which is cook, and I liked it! I can’t believe I liked it so much, I’m ready to go get more. This is actually very good for me as far as eating healthier goes, now I know that I don’t hate fish so I can learn how to cook it (without deep-frying it of course) and have something else to add to my diet that is actually really good for me.

I also had a nice birthday party with my family yesterday. I wore this really cute dress I got from Modcloth

and I got this awesome Betsey Johnson bag!

My parents also bought me a tablet, it just hasn’t arrived yet, so hopefully I will be able to post more,because I think my computer is on it’s last legs :(. A good friend of mine also sent me a journal to write all of my ideas, short stories, poems, and anything else that comes to mind in. So I guess I just need to stop worrying, keep writing , and enjoy the ride.

The year of Kelly

To reference the television show Seinfeld and it’s character George Costanza’s ‘Summer of George,’ this is the year of me. Hopefully I don’t have the bad luck George did. I know this sounds cheesy, but hear me out.

Over the last few years I’ve been through a lot. I’ve had stays in mental hospitals because I had been misdiagnosed and put on the wrong medications, stays in drug rehab after getting addicted to pain medication after surgery and several relapses, and in a four year span I’ve had three back surgeries. The last surgery was a pretty serious surgery. I had a spinal fusion surgery done in November. It’s been less than three months, which is when the fusion really starts to take place and I am still struggling with getting used to not being able to do the things I used to be able to do on my own.

The point is that through all of these experiences I’ve lost a lot of who I am. I’m not saying I didn’t learn some life lesson from all the things I’ve gone through in the past four years. I still feel like I’ve lost parts of who I am, and like to try to get those back, and with some new experiences be a better person if not the best person I can be.

I set a goal this year to become healthy physical, but I’d like to become healthy physical, spiritually, emotionally, and very importantly to me socially. All of these are important to me because I’ve let myself lose touch with a lot of people that I really miss spending time with.

This year I’d like to try and get back in touch with some of my old friends and learn to meet new ones. I have social anxiety, but I don’t want to use that as a crutch anymore. I’d like to try new things this year and put myself in situations that would normally make me uncomfortable and anxious, and I think I have a friend or two who can help me with this. I want to go out, see concerts, visit museums, travel (even if it’s only a few hours away, try new foods and foods that I didn’t think I liked. Basically I want to start living. I’m 26 and I’m not getting any younger so I’m hoping some people can help me start this journey.

I used to read a lot and also write a lot. I have a journal full of poetry, short stories, prose, and overflowing with short stories. My goal Is to go back to reading daily, even if it’s just a few pages before I fall asleep. I’d also like to change up what I’m reading. I am a big fan of a lot of different kinds of fiction, but don’t read much more than that. I actually have started reading non-fiction, but I’d like to expand on what I read. I want to read more biographies and autobiographies, historical books, books on artists, scientists and politics. I believe that expanding my horizons in literature will help me to start writing again. Whether or not I’m reading I want to start writing everyday even if it’s just what I did that day and want to do the next, journaling my thoughts and dreams, or writing on here.

When it comes to emotional health I’ll keep it short. All of the things I’ve gone through have definitely worn on me and stressed me out, so I’m just going to go back to a therapist. I just need one who will challenge me and make me deal with my issues and learn to handle problems as they come.

Spiritually will be hard because I’m not sure exactly how to define it. I do know that I used to meditate and that would give me a sense of peace and well being. I think spirituality is different for everyone, I think volunteering and doing selfless things would make me feel likes better person and I’ll just figure it out on the way.

When it comes to physical health I’ve been doing very well. I planned to give up pop at start only eating healthy food. So far I have stuck with that I haven’t had any pop, junk food, fast foods, and empty calories in things like ketchup and other condiments. As far as exercise I walk almost every day and do physical therapy. This week I’m joining the gym at the YMCA and going as much as possible and seeing if others will go with me.

I still need to get my degree I was going for English, but I have so many credits for liberal arts so I’m just switching degrees to liberal arts so I can just graduate already. There is a Penn State campus close to where I live so I want to transfer there to finish my degree. My plan is to eventually get an apartment somewhere in the area.

I know this is a really ambitious list of things I want to do this year but, please forgive me for the cliche but Rome wasn’t built in a day and I’m sure to get to where I want to be it’ll take the rest of my life. I’m always going to be learning and changing but I just don’t want to waste any more time. I got a lot of living to do

Some great smoothie recipes

Since I am trying to eat better I have been looking for fun easy recipes, and what is more fun and easy than a smoothie. So here are three smoothies I found on the site Veggie Meal Maker, which is a great site if you are looking for vegetarian and vegan recipes I think they make even have a few gluten free recipes. Just click the titles for the links to the recipes.

1. Mango Spinach Green Smoothie

I’m going to try this tomorrow for lunch or an afternoon snack since I have all of the ingredients. The only thing I’m changing is using raw unfiltered honey since agave nectar is just as bad for you as refined sugar. I’ll let you know how it tastes, I’m hoping to try all three smoothies. When I do I will let you guys know how it tastes and if it worked well as a meal replacement or is better as an in between meals snack.

2. Vanilla Peach Smoothie

This is the smoothie that I am looking forward to making the most. I am going to try this next month when I have money to go grocery shopping. Instead of soy milk and vanilla I am going to use coconut milk because I accidentally bought vanilla flavored coconut milk ( which is delicious and unlike soy milk and almond milk it did not bother my lactose intolerance.) Also I’m going to just use frozen peaches instead of the ice cubes so it will be a little thicker. I am a huge fan of peaches so I’m really excited about this one. I plan on using this as a snack between breakfast and lunch or along with my breakfast which is usually just oatmeal or eggs with a piece of fruit. Again I’ll let you know how it tastes and how filling it is.

3. Triple Berry Smoothie

Want longer hair? Then this is the smoothies for you berries are rich in vitamins and nutrients, including iron which helps blood carry more oxygen to your scalp which will allow your hair to be healthy and grow longer and stronger. Berries are also rich in anti-oxidants and fight against free-radicals which are believed to be a cause of cancer. Again I am substituting coconut milk for the soy milk, it also says you can use rice milk or nut milk (which I’m assuming includes almond milk,) so if that’s what you prefer you can use that. I haven’t really seen rice milk at the grocery stores or Walmarts around here  so I may just buy unflavored coconut for this one, although I’m sure the vanilla taste would go well with the berries. This recipe doesn’t call for any sweeteners, but if you don’t like the tartness of berries be sure not to add refined sugar or agave nectar, go for either real local honey(or the raw unfiltered stuff from Colorado they sell at a lot of grocery stores) or some Stevia.

Like I said I plan on trying all of these and doing a follow up as to how they tasted and whether or not they work better as a snack or as a meal replacement when you are in a hurry.

Girl Problems

This post was supposed to have gone up in December, but it never did so I’m posting it now.

This post is pretty personal just to let you know, like about female health issues. I know it’s 2013, but that still makes some people uncomfortable ha.

This year has had a lot of ups and downs. I’m not going to go over all of them right now, but I’m just happy I made it through the year in one piece. I feel really positive about the upcoming year and hope that I can really make some changes for the better in my life.

I know my last post about depression was a bit jumbled, but I think things are starting to get a bit better. I did some research and it turns out the birth control I take Jolessa, which is kind of like Seasonique where you don’t get a period for 3 months, can have some pretty intense side effects. Some of which involve anxiety, mood swings, mild paranoia, and depression. That pretty much hits the nail on the head for me. I am not surprised to be honest. I am on birth control because I may have endometriosis. Over the summer and fall I was having issues with very painful cramping, cysts and growths on my ovaries, and missing my periods for months at a time. So my doctor decided to give me the hormone provera to jump start my period so I could get a ultrasound. The first time I took it I had no problems whatsoever, but then I had to take it again in order to start birth control and I basically went insane. I was taking it so I could get the Depo-Provera shot because that helps a lot with endometriosis, but since the provera itself gave me such severe effects I decided not to take the shot. So I have been on the Jolessa for about two months now and over the last two months the anxiety and depression have been worsening. So I decided to stop taking it and see if maybe that will help and also keep me from having to go back on anti-depressants.

I really am hoping that I can begin to get over this depression and anxiety with the aid of therapy. I would really like to focus on more positive things. One thing I’d like to do more of on here is makeup tutorials. I got a lot of makeup and a book on how to do different kind of eye makeup styles. So I think that would be something fun to do.

Since writing this I did stop the birth control and my depression has definitely decreased.

weight loss goal

So I have really changed my diet and I’m starting physical therapy and the gym next week. The first picture is 3 or 4 years old and that is how I’d like to look by the summer, the second picture is about 3 years old and I think it may be a more realistic goal because I’d only need to lose 40 pounds. either way I am determined to get back to my old weight but I would like to be toned. I don’t want to be skinny. I like having hips and a bum. you can’t really tell in the pictures but my waist right under my ribs is quite small even at the weight I’m at now so I think I could definitely achieve the hourglass look. I haven’t had pop or sugary drinks, junk food, or fast food since the 31st and usually by now I would have caved but I am getting used to not having so much processed food and sugar. and I really do enjoy eating more fruits and vegetables and other healthy foods. Anyways I’m very hopeful and optimistic for this year!

Breaking up is hard to do.

I am coming out of a very long relationship. I think it started when I was just 15. It was an unhealthy relationship, I’m not going to lie, but it got me through some things too. It’s been almost two weeks now and I still don’t know how to deal with it. I’m talking about having to break the smoking habit. I know smoking is really bad and all, but I miss it so much right now. I’ve quit before and been fine. Okay maybe not fine, but at least been able to put them down for at least six months without picking them back up. Quitting smoking in the past has always been on my terms though, whatever that means. I would just say ‘you know what I’ve had it these things don’t even taste good anyways.’ And that was it I was done. I didn’t have to use the patch or chew gum or anything.

This time I had to do it because of the surgery. And I can’t smoke for at least three months or the fusion might not work. Even after the three months it is strongly advised that you don’t smoke because the nicotine is horrible for degenerative disc disease. So even if I wanted to try to go the route of gum or the patch this time I can’t, because I can’t have nicotine period. I knew this when I found out I was getting surgery. I had at least 2-1/2 weeks to quit, but I just had such a hard time doing it this time. I know in the long run this is a good thing. I’m cutting down on cancer risk and preventing further skin damage. I just still really miss them.

Right now I am just chewing a lot of gum. I just need something to do with my hands, that’s one of the hard parts. I don’t really crave cigarettes too badly. I just miss having them to play with and I think I probably had a bit of an oral fixation. I’m not sure if they make those e-cigarettes without nicotine, but if they do I suppose I could try that. Honestly that feels kind of silly though. So does anyone have any tips or tricks for sticking to quitting?

Nobody’s business but my own

So this post is kind of personal, but it is something that has been bothering me for quite some time now. I went to the ER today because I started getting worse back and leg pain and of course they have to ask if you are pregnant. Obviously I am not, I just had major surgery. Here is the thing though there is no way I could be pregnant because I haven’t had sex since May in 2012. Here is the shocker…I am okay with that! for some reason though medical professionals have a hard time believing this, even my gynecologist. I was having problems with not getting my periods and having a cyst on my left ovary, which doesn’t seem to work(which means I probably can’t get pregnant), for a few months now. Every time I went in though they would say “well pregnancy can cause this type of pain so we are going to have to test you.” I would explain to them that hey I told you last time I was here I haven’t had sex in over a year and I told you when I got here that that hasn’t changed, but they just didn’t believe me. I don’t understand that. Why would I lie about not having sex? I know it’s protocol and whatever, but they really did doubt me about it. The way they handle it also just isn’t very professional, it kind of like ” you haven’t had sex? Yeah okay if you say so.”

I think the worst thing I have ever heard about it is when I went to the ER a few months ago prior to going to the gyno about the cyst pain. Since I was there for pelvic pain the nurse had to ask if I was sexually active. I told her when the last time I had been and her reaction was unbelievable I think she actually said “wow holy cow are you serious?” and “how on earth have you been able to do that.” I was just kind of stunned that she would talk to a patient like that. I was polite and told her that I hadn’t been in a relationship and really just didn’t care too much about it and she gave me some more quips about how amazed she was.

I just don’t understand how these are appropriate responses in the healthcare field. I think they should get their answers right them down and leave it at that. I mean is it so unbelievable that yes I have had sex in the past, but I have decided that for the time being I am not interested in having it? Is sex really that important to some people that they can’t grasp the concept of going without it? It isn’t like I’m going to go the rest of my days being celibate, but for the time being it’s not at the top of my priority list. And as far as I’m concerned that is nobody’s damn business but my own.

I made it!- now with pictures

So I am out of surgery and I survived obviously. It hurts like a mother trucker, but that’s what the morphine drip is for. I was going to do a post of all the clothes and stuff I bought recently, I took and edited all the pictures and then they took me back for surgery. So whenever I get the chance I’ll put those up

Ok so I took some pictures. But before I post the gruesome stuff here’s some flowers my sister brought me,

Tomorrow is the big day

So yeah tomorrow is the big day, it’s finally happening and I have kind of calmed down about it. I’m just ready for it all to be over with and to get on with recovery. I’m going to be in the hospital for at least 2 days and one of those days I will be hooked up to a drip of some kind of narcotic…so my apologies in advance if I post anything to weird and out there. Today I took a bunch of pictures of stuff I’ve bought recently and the books I am going to be reading to keep myself busy. Since I have to wait two hours to actually go into surgery I am going to post all of that tomorrow. So yeah I’ve come to terms with it and I think I will be okay. Thanks to everyone who gave me advice on stress, and I’ll try to keep the bitching about pain to a minimum :).

Goodnight guys, wish me luck!